sg's place

Title: Biggest Balls
Pairing: HP/CW with implied HP/SS
Rating: R
Word Count: 3148
Summary: A warped retelling of Cinderella
Enticements: crack fic, implied het, girl!Harry, language, implied infidelity
A/N: Unbeta'd. No pumpkins were harmed in the filming of this story.

Disclaimer: With all due apologies to JKR, Fractured Fairie Tales, and the Brothers Grimm, their various legal representatives, etc. This story was not written for monetary gain, it is meant as an effort in creative writing.



Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a young lady by the name of Harriett Porter. She was a sweet generous and lovely young thing, just the picture of virtue with dark hair and green eyes.

Unfortunately she only had her parent’s good features. When they died, they left her without a farthing to her name. Harriett lived in a fine house in town with her aunt Petunia and two ugly cousins, Dulcina and Dorothy. While her cousins and aunt had fine rooms filled with pretty things, Harriett slept in a cupboard under the stairs. The poor girl was viewed as free labor by her relatives with the result she was busy from morning to night. Her clothing frequently hung in rags on her slim frame because her aunt only allowed her one outfit from either Dulcina or Dorothy’s cast offs each year.

This story really starts the year Harriett turned sixteen. There was a great deal of excitement in the kingdom. The people were all abuzz, not because some orphan reached her majority, but because their new king was going to host a ball.

The previous year, the old king passed away without a direct descendant. There was a search throughout the realm for a person that was related to the old king yet not so inbred he’d have two headed children or worse yet, no children at all. King Charlie got throne after it was discovered his older brother had a thing for Dark Creatures and consorting with Veela.

The royal advisors wanted their new king to settle down, marry and establish a nursery as soon as possible. Charlie having grown up in a giant’s shoe was more interested in exploring the castle and racing. He reluctantly told the advisors if they assembled every eligible female in the kingdom at the castle, he would chose a wife from these ladies. So, the decree went out, creating a stir in the land and a hurricane in one particular home.

Harriett listened to her cousins dither and fuss over clothing, hair and accessories. They made her repair dresses, wash ribbons and iron petticoats until she was ready to drop from exhaustion. Her being so tired must have been the reason behind her request to Aunt Petunia.

“Might I also have a new dress for the ball?”

“You? Attend a royal ball?” Dulcina dropped her box of chocolates as she shrieked at her cousin; “What would the King see in you? You are a nothing, a nobody.”
“I’m off age and female. The decree said all ladies were invited.”

“Harriett, you have far too many things to do here. Besides, you are not suited to life in a castle, unless they are hiring a kitchen maid.”

“Clean my shoes, and do not forget to make them shine for the ball. I need to look my best for our King.” Dorothy dropped a pair of ruby red shoes on her cousin. She did not apologize when they hit Harriett in the head.

Harriett rubbed at her newest bruise then picked up the shoes. She sighed while continuing with her chores. Her thoughts were less than charitable. Truth be told, Harriett believed Dulcina would be better off in the royal pigsty, and Dorothy in the stables. Neither of her cousins were attractive humans.

The sun set and a hired carriage came to take Aunt Petunia, Dulcina and Dorothy to the castle. Harriett sighed in relief once they were gone. She really wished she could attend the ball. Even if she did not know how to dance, being able to see all the people would be such fun. She wandered to kitchen garden where she sat on the bench beneath their apple tree. Tipping her head back, she looked up at the branches and blinked.

“It can’t be. I have to be hallucinating after sniffing all those soap fumes.”

A beautiful white gown was hanging in the tree. Harriett stood on the bench and reverently reached up. She harvested the gown and discovered under things to match were also ornamenting the tree. Her excitement grew while she gathered the various items of clothing.

Rushing to the house, she was amazed to discover the bathing tub was in the kitchen and filled with rose scented water. Being of the opinion this was either a dream or extraordinary good luck, she stripped nude and hopped into the tub. A good scrubbing proved to Harriett that she was not asleep. She felt wonderful even if her now clean hair stuck up every which way as if she’d been in a wind storm. Taking her time getting dressed, she wondered where the clothing was from.

“Aunt Petunia certainly did not buy my a better dress than she bought for the pig and the mule. Oh, why didn’t I get a nice pair of shoes to go with this?” Harriett cried out in frustration.

“Perhaps because you did not wish for them.” The speaker was feminine and dressed in magician’s robes. She had white hair, silver eyes and held a wand in one slim hand.

“Who are you?”

“I am your Fairie godmother. You may call me Luci.”

“Thank you ever so much for the dress, Luci. Could you possibly help me with my shoes? I’ve never been measured for them, so I have no clue what size my feet are.”

“My dear girl, I am a Fairie godmother, not a cobbler.” Luci waved her wand, finishing by pointing it at Harriett’s shoes. The ugly boots were Transfigured into glass slippers. “Well, don’t stand there like a ninny, try them on, girl.”

Harriett swiftly obeyed her godmother and slid the new shoes on her feet. The sides of the shoes moved in, gently forming to her feet. She was grinning when she looked up to thank her visitor.

“Your hair is an absolute fright.” Another flick of the wrist and strands of pearls shot out of the wand tip, weaving in and taming Harriett’s unruly locks. “Much better. Simple and elegant suits you. Now, we need transportation for you.”

“I’m sure every carriage in town has been rented.”

“Not to worry, our needs will be supplied in the garden.” Luci regally swept out of the kitchen. Harriett followed along and gasped in amazement. A neighbor’s cat and several mice were frozen in place much like statues. Luci paced around them muttering under her breath.

Harriett choked down a giggle when Luci tossed her hands into the air while exclaiming; “stubborn bitches.” There was a flurry of arm movements with a mishmash of nonsense words being chanted. Harriett thought she heard ‘bibbity, bobbity, boo,’ right before the bright flash of light almost blinded her.

“Mind the horses and coachman!” Luci half snarled as she steadied Harriett. “Getting trampled by these brutes is not part of the plan. Now, what is the largest fruit in this misbegotten garden?”

“That would be the pumpkins over by the back gate.”

“Perfect, this is the best thing I’ve heard all night.” Luci stalked over to the back gate, a swish of her wand had the gate open and a pumpkin rolling out to the street. It gaily rolled down hill, splattering with a rude noise on the bakery.

“The Muffin man is not going to be amused.”

“Muffin man, hell, I’m not amused. Put one of those things in the road.” Luci snapped her fingers while giving this order. She stopped Harriett from obeying and motioned for the cat coachman to do this task. He took his sweet time puttering about, examining the large orange fruit. “Get on with it, we don’t have all night.”

A second melon was placed on the road. This one was successfully Transfigured into a coach. The mice six horses needed to be hitched to the coach. Harriett discovered Fairie godmothers could curse like a teamster with the correct motivation.

“Try to mount that mare one more time, boyo and I will shove your nuts up your nose.” Luci hissed at the only stallion in the group.

“Nice threat,” Harriett whispered.

“I never make threats, only promises.”

After much swearing and some sweating, the matched team of horses were hitched to the glass pumpkin shaped coach. Luci assisted Harriett into the vehicle with a hand on her bum and a good hard shove.

“The last stroke of midnight, the coach becomes a pumpkin, the horses mice, and you a nude girl in battered boots. I strongly suggest you be home before then.” With this ominous warning, Luci disappeared.

“The palace, I have a ball to see.” Harriett ordered while settling back in her seat. She enjoyed the ride and was glad to arrive late. She did not have an audience when she struggled to gracefully descend from her transportation and almost landed on her face.

“Oi, Charlie, look at the pumpkin.” A male voice called out.

Harriett didn’t know if she should be offended or not until she realized the speaker was talking about her coach, not her. She smoothed her skirts and gave the red haired male a shy smile.

A small cluster of men approached her carriage, the center of the group was a muscular man with dark auburn hair and freckles. Harriett smothered a giggle at this sight. She almost fell over laughing at the first words she heard from his majesty.

“Look, if I’m King, I get to make the rules. There will be a law that no women who resemble barn yard animals will be allowed to live in the capital city. Really, did you see the pig faced thing in lavender and her mulish sister with the ruby shoes? My feet almost were flattened by that pair. Their horsy mother could have killed me when she fell over just now.”

Harriett curtsied when the group drew closer. She held her position until they walked beyond her. Before she could decide if she should go inside or remain outdoors, the men noticed her.

“Wench, this yours?”

“Your Majesty,” one male half scolded.

“You go out to a giant’s shoe, drag me back here and then are disgusted when I do not fit your idea of a king. My majesty is getting tired of all this crap. I want to know if the girl owns this coach.”

“I arrived in it, Sire.” Harriett evaded.

“Great, hop in and let’s take it for a spin. How does it handle? Any idea of the speed your team can get?”

“I’m sorry, your Majesty. I don’t know how fast the horses are. I did notice the carriage tends to sway when we went around corners.”

“Pish, all carriages sway.”

“Like a boat during a storm? To be honest, I almost got seasick.”

King Charlie looked at her. He took his time looking down her body and back up, pausing for a long look at her cleavage. Harriett thought she heard him mutter something about pumpkins and blushed. Surely he was not admiring her bosom.

“Leave us.” He ordered the men grouped around him. He held out a hand to her. “Come with me, take me for a ride in this carriage of yours.”

“As you wish,” she murmured, accepting his gentle assistance into the glass coach.

He rapped on the roof, signaling for the carriage to move. The young couple rode once around the courtyard, then into town. Harriett looked over at her escort.

“Who was the man that called for your attention when I arrived?”

“My brother Bill, he’s always trying to point out things that might interest me. He needs a place of his own. I’m thinking of gifting him with an outer barony. Someplace on the border. He likes to run a bit at the full moon.”

“Oh.”

“Have any family?”

“Just an aunt and two cousins.”

“Do you like big balls?”

“Beg pardon?”

“The event back at the castle, do you like those? Of course, if you’d rather admire the Royal jewels, I could show you those. There have been some favorable comparisons to stallions.”

Harriett could not help herself, she burst into laughter.

“No, really.” His hands dropped to his trousers.

She stopped him from unfastening the buttons. “Everyone who cares to look would see.”

“Hmm, I think the coach being made of glass is not a good idea. I do like the way it moves.”

“Really?”

“Oh yes. Just imagine being on my lap, your legs straddling me, my cock up your sweet little cunny and the coach doing all the work.”

“Sire, have you been this frank with all the ladies tonight?”

“Certainly. I am supposed to be finding a Royal brood mare. How else would a bloke discover if a bird was frigid or not?”

Harriett considered his opinion. It was rather blunt and crude, yet truthful. She leaned over and kissed him.

“Perfect.” He pulled her onto his lap and returned her kiss. His hands traveled along her body. He was grinning when they broke from the kiss. “Nice firm melons you have there. I like a girl that doesn’t need a corset.”

Harriett gasped and wriggled when he slid a hand under her skirt. “Your Majesty, please, people can see.”

“No one is looking, they are all at the palace eating my food and drinking my wine. Want to be a queen?”

“I’m not sure how to answer that, oh!” she squealed in surprise as he slipped a finger into her knickers.

“Just checking to see if you’re as pure as your gown implies.” He grinned up at her. “Oh yes, nice and tight. Back to the castle.” He called out to their driver. “You are the one. Easy on the eyes, pumpkins” he squeezed her breast, “and a virgin.”

Harriett didn’t know what to say. She was mildly disappointed to be set on the seat next to him once they drew close to the castle. Her escort easily lifted her down from the carriage. He held her close, with one arm around her waist, much to the various advisors dismay.

“Your Majesty, that was most irresponsible.”

“you should be more cautious, Sire.”

“How was the ride little bro?”

Charlie ignored the scolding and beamed at his brother. “Fantastic. I’m keeping this filly for my stable.” He squeezed Harriett.

“Excellent decision, she’s the best looking one here.”

Somewhere in town a bell began to chime. Harriett grew pale as she recalled her Fairie godmother’s warning. Leaning up, she whispered in the King’s ear.

“I need to go, I promise I will explain everything later, but I have to-”

“Don’t worry, we all have to take a whiz from time to time.” Charlie released her with an affectionate swat on her bottom. “Come right back.”

He was surprised and dismayed to see her dive into the coach and it pull away from the castle with a lurch. The church bells finished ringing out the hour and they all heard a feminine voice yell out one obscenity.

Charlie and Bill ran to the gate and looked out. They both whistled and cheered at the sight of a pumpkin lying in the road, a cat sitting on it and a shapely female tush disappearing into the night.

“Very nice arse. How are you going to find her?”

“She left some tokens.” Charlie walked over to the squash.

“While that will take care of your wanking needs, what are you going to do to find her?”

“Send out the Royal patsy herald with this shoe to see who it fits.” Charlie held up a glass slipper. He’ll need to get a good view of her hooters, that one has a sweet little birthmark on her left one.”

“Please, let me help find her.”

“Nothing doing, you have a duty to obey me. I am sending you on a serious scouting mission.”

“What for this time?”

“A farm to send the ugly hags off to. I do not want some of those women near my wedding.”

“Your wish is my command.” Bill bowed deeply to his brother, earning a royal foot to his bum.

~~~

The next week was dedicated to a search for the mystery girl. Heralds went forth announcing the found glass slipper while the Royal seneschal was sent out with the slipper and instructions to find the person it fit.

Harriett fretted over what to do. She knew her aunt would send her away or worse yet, lock her in the cupboard under the stairs when the Seneschal visited. The day he arrived at their home, Harriett was in the garden harvesting the last of the fruits of the season. She entered the kitchen to the sounds of feminine outrage coming from the parlour.

“Aunt Petunia, is there something I can do?” Harriett graciously offered while entering the room. She managed to hide a smirk of triumph when her relatives glowered at her.

“You said these creatures were your only daughters.” The Seneschal looked down his prodigious nose at Petunia

“I spoke the truth, that is our scullery maid.” There was no backing down, so the lady lied to this official.

“And she calls you Aunt Petunia out of loyalty?” His deep voice was silky with disbelief.

Harriett felt herself aroused by just listening to the man speak. She wondered how she was going to remain faithful to her husband should the King marry her. Stepping forward, she curtsied to the Royal Seneschal.

“How may I be of service to you, Sir?”

“Such pretty manners. Try on the slipper and show me your left nipple.”

“She will do no such thing!”

Harriett allowed her loose bodice to slip down a bit, revealing her birthmark when she put on the shoe. She heard a masculine sound of satisfaction.

“Perfect fit, come along with me. You will receive compensation for the loss of your maid in the next few days Madam.” The Seneschal hauled Harriett out of the house and to a waiting carriage. “Foolish chit, you could have saved me days of misery by showing up at the castle when the heralds went out.”

“I was locked up in a cupboard for the first day and kept under close watch until today.” Harriett apologized as he tossed her into the vehicle.

“You will be marrying the King with all the proper pomp and ceremony next week. There are fittings for your wardrobe, lessons in etiquette, and dancing up until the big day. I do hope you are more civilized than our Royal Bumpkin.”

“I promise, I will not disappoint you.” Harriett vowed.

~~~

Harriett lived up to her word. She never, ever disappointed the seneschal or the King. When not serving as a royal brood mare, she over saw charities, did her best to ignore his majesty’s pumpkin fetish and racing mania and found many intriguing places to have private meetings with the seneschal.

So, you could say they all lived happily ever after.